The Satanic Temple, a burgeoning community of worship devoted to the Dark Lord, has performed a “Pink Mass” over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr.’s mother. The Pink Mass is a Satanic ritual performed after death that turns the deceased’s straight spirit into a homo one—it’s not unlike the Mormon practice of baptizing the dead, only much gayer.
On Sunday the Satanic Temple, which first came into the national spotlight last January when the organization announced its support for Florida Governor Rick Scott, went to the Phelps family graveyard in Mississippi to perform the ritual. (Two Pink Masses were performed, one with a female couple and another with men.) I contacted Lucien Greaves, the Temple’s spokesperson and officiator of the ceremony, to find out what exactly the Pink Mass entials. While he didn’t get into specifics, he told told me via email that “there were, in fact, scriptures recited, candles lit, and a ceremonial proceeding that we may eventually post the details of at our website, westboro-baptist.com. That is, if the Pink Mass generates sufficient interest to the point that other responsible parties, respectful of the graveyard, wish to perform their own.”
The idea for the mass came about in April, when the WBC announced their intention to protest the funerals of the Boston Bombing victims. The church never showed up, but later issued a statement saying they were there “in spirit.” As is always the case when WBC does or says anything, both the initial plans and the subsequent statement pissed off everyone in the world, including Satanists. And so, according to a press release, the Satanic Temple decided that a ceremony celebrating same-sex couples “at the gravesite of Fred Phelps’ mother was an appropriate way to meet the Westboro Baptists, ‘in spirit,’ but this time on our terms.”
Now the spirit of Catherine Idalette Johnston is officially into other chicks, meaning her gravesite is a viable target for one of her son’s “God hates fags” protests. Lucien told me, “We believe that Fred Phelps is obligated to believe that his mother is now gay in the afterlife. Further, if beliefs are inviolable rights, nobody has the right to challenge our right to believe that Fred Phelps believes that his mother is now gay.”
When I asked Lucien if the Temple has plans to perform Pink Masses on any other deceased members of the Phelps family, he said, “We haven’t gayed Fred’s father yet, or his great-aunt, Irene Jordan, who raised him after his mother died. We will perform Pink Masses for each of them, and more descendants of the Phelps, each time they picket funerals or applaud horrific terrorist actions, as they are known to do. Fred himself is getting pretty long in the tooth, and I hope to be presiding over his Pink Mass before long.”
The Temple is encouraging other gay couples to make the trek to Magnolia cemetery in Mississippi and suck each others’ faces at the grave. They say that every time a same-sex couple makes out over the grave of a Pink Mass recipient, the spirit of the deceased “is pleasured in the afterlife,” presumably with spooky ghost orgasms.
And for couples interested in performing an official Pink Mass of their own, Lucien told me, “I would encourage them to try to arrange such a thing with us, so that we might have a High Priest formally officiate.”
In addition to supporting Republican politicians and turning ghosts gay, the Satanic Temple has launched a bid to adopt a highway in New York City. They are hoping that their Pink Masses will raise awareness for their highway campaign, which is lacking in public support. You can watch a video about the project above, and they’ve set up an Indiegogo page where you can donate money and help the Temple achieve their dream of contributing to the betterment of society by keeping our highways clean and litter-free.
In conclusion, your mom likes to scissor now, Fred.